Everything changes.....

I'm not really an 'air my dirty laundry' sort of person - but neither am I the strong silent type. I like to talk... I find it therapeutic to go through things that bother me, it helps me to think clearer.
To that end im hoping writing down how I feel about the sudden and unexpected breakdown of my marriage may help my state of mind, help me find a way through the fog I am currently surrounded by.

3 Weeks ago my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, he did love me - but wasn't in love. Actually, what he said was that neither of us was in love with the other anymore...  news to me, and a massive shock to him. What he had thought to be true, what he had based his thought process and decision on wasn't actually fact.

3 weeks on and lots of conversations and emails have come to a truer understanding of each other - we've been closer, more passionate and more honest than we have in years. Sadly the past couple of years have been hard, children and pressures of work have all taken their toll, we took each other for granted - we didn't nurture our love. I in particular just believed it was strong enough to see us through and would still be there on the other side of the hump.

The husband has decided he needs space, space to be on his own, live a life just for him - away from the complacency we created for each other.
The wife has realised she needs him desperately, wants him under almost any circumstance, to feed the flame that once burnt so bright.

There is still love, there is still a family - but there is no common ground.

He wants to be have his own life - not their life.
To that end I have let him go, set him free - in the hope that one day he finds his way back.... however deluded that may be.

So you wake up one day unaware that your life is about to change, that everything you know will no longer be so.

Its not death.

Its not even an affair

Your husband, father of your children, tells you he doesn't want to be with them. He cant parent. 

He doesn't know why, but he just cant.

The noise, the mess, constant feuding of small children.

At work everything is in order, people do as they are told and at night he goes home to peace, quiet & clean.

I'd like that too.

But life isnt like that. People dont just walk away from their family, leave others to pick up the shattered pieces.

How do you tell a child that their father doesnt want to be with them?

Doesnt want to be with their mummy?

Where do you go from there?

I struggle to see a path towards to the future.

He might not want you. But you want him.

There has been no fight, no reason to stop you loving him.

You have always thought life is about going through things together.

For better. For worse.

In sickness. In health.

Forever.

You thought you were with the person who wanted to hold your hand always.

Walk beside you. Always.

Things aren't always easy. Times aren't always great.

But love endured. You thought.

Time is a healer.

It healed me from last time. It made me believe in him.

I thought we had made it through.

Is time a liar? Was I a fool?

Am I not the person he wants?

I was brought up to believe you face things together. Not alone.

That nothing is insurmountable if you face it with love.

Family is everything. And they love you no matter what. 

By talking you find a path through.

I want to be loved absolutely.

I want my children to be loved unconditionally.

I want someone to stand beside me.

In sickness. In health.

For better. For worse.

Forever.

I dont love mess. Noise. Arguments. Fighting. The word NO.

I love kisses. Cuddles. Sleeping babies. Quiet. 

I understand that with good comes bad.

I recognise that some days will be better than others.

That the prize will be the beautiful people they become. From being wrapped in love.

Then I can watch them conquer the world.

Will I do this alone?

I love him.

Does he love us.

Enough?

Making an effort

Hmmmm - no shoe buying didnt last long. 
I made an accidental purchase of some very pretty sandals I'd had my eye on for almost a year - but they were in the sale..... so does that count?

On the upside, I started reading The Twits - the girls seemed to enjoy it and it wasn't as scary as I had thought.
And dinner time has been pretty successful, veggies in every meal and not a tin in sight!

Moving on

I was all set up for a magical christmas - presents had been well thought out & pre-ordered, and my children (4 & 6) the perfect age to appreciate the festivities and be wrapped up in the magic of believing..... Then my beloved grandmother suddenly died 6 days before christmas - on her birthday. 

I was, am, beyond devastated. We were very close and very regularly in each other lives - it was an enormous shock for all the family. Christmas was a wash out, and time seemed to stand still waiting for the funeral - which didn't take place until yesterday. There has now been a massive emotional release for the whole family, we all feel an enormous loss, and I am consumed by guilt and grief, then just numbness.

However, I need to find a way to move past it and carry on, and in that vein I'm making a list - not of resolutions (they are ripe to be broken) but of aspirations, things I am aiming for this year.

1. Read out loud at night to my children.
A simple task, one I should already do - but don't.  Whilst I love to read i've always seen it as my private time, and I have never been good at reading aloud. I read simple stories to them but on a recent holiday they were enchanted by a Roald Dahl story being read chapter by chapter.

2. Stop relying on Baked Beans!
In the past few months, since The Husband moved away for work during the week, I've become lazy. Cooking has always been my hobby, something I enjoy - but repeated rejections of food by the Small People, combined with laziness have meant my reliance on 'things from tins' has grown. I want to try and reclaim proper cooking.

3. Be less sedentary! 
Im not going to write 'exercise more' - as quite frankly I don't exercise at all, so walking to the cake shop would be "more"!  However I am mid way through my third decade and whilst less chubby than I used to be I am particularly unfit - something I must attempt to change (note I am not using the word Want). My aim is a 30 min walk 3 times a week - so 3 times more than at present....

4. Spend Less.....
2013 the year of austerity - for frivolous purchases anyway...  We are already committed to a holiday in early summer, and a trip near next Christmas - so I'm not going to attempt a totally frugal year, however non essential shoe purchases will be curtailed.

I think thats it for now, I don't have aspirations to write the next Great Novel, enter politics - or become a size 8. But appreciating what I have and trying harder to be less slovenly will do!

Love you. Miss you. xx