To that end im hoping writing down how I feel about the sudden and unexpected breakdown of my marriage may help my state of mind, help me find a way through the fog I am currently surrounded by.
3 Weeks ago my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, he did love me - but wasn't in love. Actually, what he said was that neither of us was in love with the other anymore... news to me, and a massive shock to him. What he had thought to be true, what he had based his thought process and decision on wasn't actually fact.
3 weeks on and lots of conversations and emails have come to a truer understanding of each other - we've been closer, more passionate and more honest than we have in years. Sadly the past couple of years have been hard, children and pressures of work have all taken their toll, we took each other for granted - we didn't nurture our love. I in particular just believed it was strong enough to see us through and would still be there on the other side of the hump.
The husband has decided he needs space, space to be on his own, live a life just for him - away from the complacency we created for each other.
The wife has realised she needs him desperately, wants him under almost any circumstance, to feed the flame that once burnt so bright.
There is still love, there is still a family - but there is no common ground.
He wants to be have his own life - not their life.
To that end I have let him go, set him free - in the hope that one day he finds his way back.... however deluded that may be.
So you wake up one day unaware that your life is about to change, that everything you know will no longer be so.
Its not death.
Its not even an affair
Your husband, father of your children, tells you he doesn't want to be with them. He cant parent.
He doesn't know why, but he just cant.
The noise, the mess, constant feuding of small children.
At work everything is in order, people do as they are told and at night he goes home to peace, quiet & clean.
I'd like that too.
But life isnt like that. People dont just walk away from their family, leave others to pick up the shattered pieces.
How do you tell a child that their father doesnt want to be with them?
Doesnt want to be with their mummy?
Where do you go from there?
I struggle to see a path towards to the future.
He might not want you. But you want him.
There has been no fight, no reason to stop you loving him.
You have always thought life is about going through things together.
For better. For worse.
In sickness. In health.
Forever.
You thought you were with the person who wanted to hold your hand always.
Walk beside you. Always.
Things aren't always easy. Times aren't always great.
But love endured. You thought.
Time is a healer.
It healed me from last time. It made me believe in him.
I thought we had made it through.
Is time a liar? Was I a fool?
Am I not the person he wants?
I was brought up to believe you face things together. Not alone.
That nothing is insurmountable if you face it with love.
Family is everything. And they love you no matter what.
By talking you find a path through.
I want to be loved absolutely.
I want my children to be loved unconditionally.
I want someone to stand beside me.
In sickness. In health.
For better. For worse.
Forever.
I dont love mess. Noise. Arguments. Fighting. The word NO.
I love kisses. Cuddles. Sleeping babies. Quiet.
I understand that with good comes bad.
I recognise that some days will be better than others.
That the prize will be the beautiful people they become. From being wrapped in love.
Then I can watch them conquer the world.
Will I do this alone?
I love him.
Does he love us.
Enough?
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